we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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