I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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