I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
