thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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