You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
