You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
