There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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