so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
