Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
