I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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