The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think people are normalizing furries
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
