Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
