I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
