the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
