Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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