my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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