im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
