I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
