Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
