So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
