I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
