You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
