I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
