Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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