I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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