I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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