Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
