Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
