dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
