it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
