I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
