i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
