He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
