i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
