8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
