just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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