this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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