i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
