I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
