I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
