May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
