My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
