So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
