maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
