shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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