Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
