I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
