turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
