i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
