And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
