Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
