I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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