who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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