you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
