Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
