The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
