Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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