I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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