Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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